Our Story

Growing our family

Mike and I met and married near the end of our 20’s in October 2008. We had both waited and prayed for so long for the love of a lifetime. We finally found each other and were blissfully happy. We both wanted children, but we also wanted to enjoy life together first, especially since we’d had such a short courtship. We’d also had a very short honeymoon; one night in a wistful inn up north and then a long 1,000 mi. drive down south pulling a uhaul with all the rest of my worldly goods to our home.  I love to travel, and Mike really wanted to see Greece since he has ancestry there.  International tickets were extremely expensive, so we thought, “Why not get our money’s worth and see everything we want to?!”  Thus ensued an elaborate plan to sprint through Europe in 3 ½ weeks starting in Scotland and working our way through London, Paris, Pisa, Rome, and finally Greece.  We saved and planned for 7 months before embarking on the adventure of a lifetime in the summer of 2010. One last fling before we started our family.

I had the perfect plan.  I wanted to get pregnant in August or September so I could finish teaching through the school year and then have the whole summer with my new baby. Mike and I began to pray very specifically every day for a baby with no defects, deformities, or abnormalities. Seriously, those were Mike’s exact words as he prayed each morning before we left for work. We prayed all the good things over our hoped for baby that I’m sure every parent does: health, beauty, intelligence.  We also prayed for a girl. I had always wanted a firstborn girl and had her name picked out since high school! Mike is from a family of all boys, so a girl would be much welcomed!  My plan worked perfectly! Within two months of trying I was pregnant.

We were both very excited, but wanted to wait until we had a doctor’s confirmation before we told anyone. I’ll never forget the amazement of seeing the strobe flash heartbeat of the little life inside me.  I was 6 weeks pregnant.  I remember feeling hesitant to tell anyone outside the parents. I worried that something might happen to the baby and then, what would I tell people? I worried about telling my students because if the baby died, they wouldn’t understand. I figured that it was probably just a normal fear that every mom-to-be feels, or natural apprehension because I have a couple friends who have miscarried their babies.  I shook it off and announced the good news by emailing a scan of our 6 week ultrasound to the parents, told my friends at work, and told my students the good news on sharing day. I couldn’t bring myself to announce it to “the whole world” on facebook, just in case. I wanted to wait awhile until I felt sure that everything was going smoothly.  I never made that announcement on facebook. 

The Phone Call

Mike and I went in for our second ultrasound on January 13^th 2011 at 18 weeks very excited to find out if it was a girl or boy.  Our technician told us the baby was sitting up with its legs crossed, but she was 95% sure our baby was a girl. We listened to her strong heartbeat and my eyes filled with tears of joyful amazement. I was absolutely floored when I saw her kick her legs and feet. Time stopped for that moment and in that moment I was changed. I was a mommy. For real. At this point I started to get really excited! This was my dream and it was really going to happen.  We made the phone calls to parents with the news that baby was a girl. My mom would have another “little woman” in the family.

I took the newest ultrasound in to show my students telling them that Victoria (we began calling her by name now that we knew she was a girl) was listening when I told them to sit up and cross their legs for circle time!

On January 17^th I got a call from my ob-gyn to tell me that my amniotic fluid looked a little low. They wanted to schedule an appointment with a perintologist just to make sure everything was ok. Meanwhile I should make sure to drink lots of water because it could be that I was just dehydrated. After I hung up the phone I felt a bit shaky and nervous. It’s never good when your doctor calls you, right? Was this the phone call? Would my worst fears come true? I called Mike right away at work. I also called my parents and reached my dad. He prayed with me on the phone, which I was so grateful for. I began drinking water like a crazy person. I even enlisted the help of my students so I would remember to drink throughout the day.

The Nightmare

  On January 24^th Mike and I went to our scheduled appointment with the perintologist feeling excited to see our baby on the ultrasound again. I had been drinking tons of water so I was confident we would get good news.  I actually remember feeling sorry for another couple there because they were having problems with their pregnancy. We got the worst possible news. The doctor told us there was almost no amniotic fluid. There were cystic masses in her abdomen, there was extra fluid around her heart and one of the ventricles looked enlarged.  The things he was seeing could not be fixed. He thought there was a very low chance of survival. At some point while he was talking I went numb. I could not process what he was saying.  It was unbelievable. I thought surely he was not talking to me. This is something they tell other people. Not me.  After awhile, what he was saying began to sink in. I looked at my baby, my little Victoria, on the screen and felt so sad that I would never get to know her. The doctor repeatedly told us this was not our fault. He repeatedly told us how sorry he was. I remember the grip of his hand on my ankle as he said those words. He gave us the option to terminate the pregnancy, which we refused. Thankfully, our doctor was very supportive of that decision and told us that he loved to be proved wrong by babies and had personally seen miracles. He also told us we could do a CVS to see if they could find out what caused this to happen. It wouldn’t change the fact that they couldn’t do anything for her, but it would give some insight into what happened and for future pregnancies.  Based on what he saw he told us this would not happen again.

We asked if we could have a moment to ourselves to discuss the CVS. Once we were alone we just looked at each other for a second like, “Did you just hear what I did?” We prayed for our little girl and cried together. We decided to do the CVS. They took a sample of my placenta to test the chromosomes. Initial testing would tell us if it was Trisomy 13 or Trisomy 18 the usual culprits for something like this. Subsequent testing would look at all the chromosomes.

Mike and I left the office devastated. Neither of us returned to work that day. We each called our parents and wept while we recounted the grim prognosis for our little Victoria. I remember the sound of our gut wrenching sobs echoing through the house as we held on to each other after that last phone call. I felt like I was mourning her then.  That night in bed through crying and talking we decided to believe God for a miracle. We decided to get her room ready for her and take whatever time we would get with her, a few days, a few weeks, a few years, a lifetime, and whatever quality of life she was given. Neither of us slept well that night. I had a dream in which I told God that if he didn’t do a miracle my baby would die. The next day we both stayed home to process and spend time together. It felt like we were in a nightmare that we couldn’t wake up from.

Hope

People from all over began praying for us as we were placed on church prayer chains. My mom told me that two of the prayer intercessors from my church said they “saw” amniotic fluid going in around the baby. Mike and I both kept telling Victoria that we loved her and that she would live.  We told her in faith that she had sufficient fluid and that her organs were functioning properly.  It was difficult to stay positive in my thoughts especially when I had to recite the grim details to others. I remember thinking that if I had just miscarried this would be over. I had to force myself to keep drinking water and taking my prenatals. I battled the thought that it didn’t matter anymore. When I first felt movement, I had to force myself to enjoy it instead of looking at it as a reminder of the prognosis. In spite of those things, I felt a peace I couldn’t explain. I still think it was the prayers and support of God’s people that brought that peace.
Mike’s parents came to visit us and brought a faith journal filled with scriptures they used when they went through the traumatic events following Matthew’s (Mike’s brother) birth. After he was born, Matthew stopped breathing. He began breathing again some minutes later, but he had one problem after another as a result.  Mike’s mom shared with us the scriptures she used for encouragement as they sought God for healing. This was a big encouragement to Mike and me. We began using God’s word to access by faith God’s promises. I began my own “Victoria Journal” where I recorded scriptures about healing, and life. The book began with:

God is not a man that He should lie, not a Son of man, that He should repent; has He said, and will He not do it? Or has he spoken, and will He not make it good?

Numbers 23:19

It is impossible for God to lie.

Hebrews 6:18

So shall My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it shall not return to me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.

Isaiah 55:11

I am watching over My word to perform it.

Jeremiah 1:12

He (Jesus) was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities, the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.

Isaiah 53:5

…by his wounds you have been healed.

I Peter 2:24b

We overcome by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of our testimony.

Revelation 12:11

They shall not labor in vain, nor bear children for calamity; for they are the offspring of those blessed by the Lord, and their descendants with them.

Isaiah 65:23

It will also come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear.

Isaiah 65:24

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “ plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (we substituted “you” with “Victoria”)

Jeremiah 29:11

And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up.

James 5:15

I shall not die, but live and declare the works of the Lord. (this was the scripture I spoke over Victoria the most using her name instead of “I”)

Psalm 118:17

The word of God brought us hope. To receive God’s promise of healing we had to do four things:

     1.    Make the decision: “I will not be defeated. I will receive from God.”

2.    Resist Satan. Refuse to entertain his thoughts.

3.    Give our attention to the word of God.

4.    Refuse to speak words contrary to what you believe you have received. Answer every doubt immediately with the word.

My Grandma sent me a DVD of healings, specifically a couple who were told their baby would have Down ’s syndrome, but saw their baby healed in the womb and born normal. This was an encouragement to my faith. We prayed and spoke God’s word over Victoria for the next month.

Hope Deferred

At 23 weeks we had another ultrasound with my ob-gyn. We were hopeful and excited that we would see an increase in the amniotic fluid. There was no change in Victoria’s condition. I was extremely disappointed. I had hoped for some improvement. I felt so helpless. I had felt like I was doing something by speaking the word of God over Victoria. I had been working so hard over the last month to believe, have faith, and access the promise of healing. All I could do was trust God and rest in his promises. I really struggled after that appointment. I wondered if I didn’t have enough faith. I thought maybe I wasn’t doing it right.  I wished I’d never gotten pregnant. I wrote in my journal on 2-17-11:

 
This experience has been so awful! It is still unbelievable at moments that this is happening.

The good news was that Victoria had grown and Mike and I had been feeling her kicking! 

We were scheduled for another appointment with the perintologist a week later. I was nervous about it. I spent a lot of time praying and quoting God’s word and promises. We prayed together on the way to the appointment and I remember shaking with nervous fear. I didn’t expect to hear great news like last time. I just wanted to keep my emotions on an even plane. The prognosis was very poor. Now that Victoria was bigger they could see that she only had one kidney and it was filled with cystic masses preventing it from functioning. This was the reason that was so little amniotic fluid. A secondary issue was that her lungs would not be able to develop without fluid around her. Just as serious as her kidneys was her heart. It had to work extra hard, so it was enlarged (also making hard for her lungs to develop). The doctor told us that the membranes of the heart were very thick, making it pump stiffly instead of a nice squishy contraction. He said he saw what looked like the beginning of heart failure.  I wrote in my journal on 2-22-11:

I don’t understand why God has not healed her yet. I know this is not right. I’ve prayed, quoted God’s word, and spoke in faith.  I don’t know if I’m missing something, or doing something wrong. Maybe I’ve doubted too much. It’s so hard not to focus on and accept the negative details. It looks so bad for her. I don’t know what to do. God help us. Help our unbelief.

  

 I feel guilty, or responsible in a way for not having enough faith, or for doubting, or accepting the bad reports.

We had received the results from the CVS just before this last appointment. I spoke with a genetic counselor who told me all the results (for Trisomy 13 & 18 and all chromosomes) came back normal (Praise God!). We had the option to do a further, more in depth test, but we declined. I was also told we could do an autopsy after she passed away. There was just no explanation as far as anyone could see. We did find out with the genetic testing that she was 100% girl!

Fight of Faith

Over the next three months we continued going to doctor appointments every two weeks alternating between my regular ob-gyn and the perintologist. I began to hate doctor appointments. Every time I got a call from my doctor I held my breath. We had our good days when we felt full of faith, and our bad days when doubt and fear threatened to overwhelm us. During this time I began listening to teaching on faith and the believer’s authority. I felt excited in my spirit about what I was learning.  I began to dig into God’s word. Here are some things I learned and began trying to apply:

1.    God has already done everything for us.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.

            Ephesians 1:3

            …by his wounds you have been healed.

I Peter 2:24b

…the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparable great power for us who believe.

Ephesians 1: 18b-19a

(this scripture says the inheritance, healing etc., is in me)

2.    Faith is my positive response to what God has already done for me by his grace.

For it is by grace you have been saved (the greatest miracle), through faith.

Ephesians 2:8

3.    Jesus gave us the authority.

He called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out evil spirits and to heal every disease and sickness.

Matthew 10:1

4.    I have to use that authority and speak in faith.

From the fruit of his mouth a man’s stomach is filled; with the harvest from his lips he is satisfied. The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 18:20-21

…the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were. (God’s faith)

Romans 4:17

…I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, move from here to there, and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

Matthew 17:20

For verily I say unto you that whosoever shall say unto this mountain be thou removed and be though cast into the sea; and shall not doubt in his heart, but shall believe that those things which he sayeth shall come to pass, he shall have whatsoever he saith.

Mark 11:23

5.    Unbelief counteracts faith.

Then the disciples came to Jesus in private and asked, “Why couldn’t we drive it (evil spirit) out?” He replied, “Because *you have so little faith.”

Matthew 17:19-20a

*The KJV says “Because of your unbelief.”

Although I grew up with these concepts they felt fresh and new to me. I began to take them to a new level as I applied them. I took my authority in Christ and commanded the healing and miracle that God already provided to manifest in the physical realm. I took authority over Satan and my unbelief. I did my best to build and strengthen my faith and decrease the unbelief and fear in my heart.

We also acted on our faith.

We got her room ready.

We threw showers in anticipation of her arrival.

It may seem foolish to some people, but I made a choice to take God at his word.

Victoria Meets Us

After my trip up north to MI for the shower in late April 2011, I began to experience pre-labor contractions. I worked for four excruciating days before making an appointment on April 28^th with my ob-gyn. She put me on bed rest until my appointment with the perintologist the following week. Mike was getting really excited about the possibility of Victoria coming, and started packing a hospital bag, and getting her car seat ready. On May 4^th we went to our appointment with the perintologist. The doctor saw that for the first time, Victoria had not kept up with where she should be on her growth. He wanted to induce labor, do a vaginal delivery, and let us enjoy what time we could with her. We agreed and went home to get our things. We held out that she would be healed after she was born. I felt relief that this would soon be over.

After we were admitted, we learned that I was dilated to 3cm! Victoria was coming early on her own! We were visited by a neonatologist  who told us that if he saw there was anything he could do for her he would take her to the NICU, but if not he didn’t want to take her there. He encouraged us to hold onto her and love her.

 Victoria Ann Fancher was born breach at 1:54 am on May 5^th weighing 3 lbs. 11 oz. and 15 in. long. She was so tiny and beautiful!

She never cried, nor did she open her eyes. I held her first. She was so warm and her skin so soft. She gasped for air periodically as I held her. She had such beautiful lips. I told her I loved her. I told her she would live. Mike held her in his arms and told her how much he loved her too. I think she died in Mike’s arms because when I got her back I never saw her breathe again. We spent a couple of hours holding her, crying, telling her how much we loved her, and of all the plans we’d had for her. We even prayed one last time for her. Finally, we let her go.

I think she came six weeks early because she wanted to meet us before she left.

Saying Goodbye

The next few days were a disoriented, numb blur, yet poignantly clear in their agony. We had to decide what to do with Victoria. Did we want to have a funeral? A cremation? We couldn’t just leave her. No one should ever have to make these decisions for their baby. We decided to have a funeral and bury her in the same cemetery as Mike’s grandparents. That way she would always be near family. I also decided that I wanted to buy a beautiful dress for Victoria to wear, give her a stuffed animal to cuddle with, and put a picture of the three of us in the hospital together in her casket. We made an appointment to meet with a funeral home on the day we were released from the hospital.

We made our decisions through our tears: Choosing the headstone and what we wanted engraved on it, we would carry her out to the hearse in her little casket, only our immediate family would attend, and yes, apply embalming cream to her face since babies are too little to properly embalm, but her coloring isn’t so good now.

They sent us out of their office with a green folder of our paperwork much like a folder given to prospective parents at our Montessori school. My heart ached at the thought that I would never leave a school with a folder containing Victoria’s enrollment papers, only this folder containing death documents from the funeral home. We walked out to the Garden of Angels where all the babies are buried to pick Victoria’s spot. We weren’t really given a choice. It was the next available spot and we just had to approve it. The man marked it with a yellow flag. As we left I looked back to see her spot among the other babies and began to cry. Oh, how I wished I was looking at her crib among the other babies at her little school.

We went shopping for the perfect dress, bracelet, shoes, and headband. I found myself having fun. I realized I was celebrating her. I was having a good time shopping for and dressing up my daughter. This was the one time I would be able to do this for her. We found ourselves in a strange place of celebrating her and mourning her at the same time. As long as I had this to do for her she was still not quite dead to me. Mike said, “This is her recitals, soccer matches, graduation, and wedding. This is her one event and we want it to be the best!”

We shopped for a stuffed animal and picture frames to hold our cherished moments in the hospital that we would display at the funeral. My parents arrived from MI to grieve with us and take care of us.

May 8^th, the day before Victoria’s funeral was Mother’s Day. My milk came in and I had no baby to give it to.

May 9^th, the day of her funeral Mike and I arrived early so we could spend time alone with her. Walking in was difficult. Seeing her tiny casket was difficult. She looked dead this time. We were allowed to hold her. We took pictures of us holding her in her beautiful dress. 

My mom got to hold her. I wanted her to hold my baby daughter, but I was sad it was at her funeral, and that she didn’t look as good as she did in the hospital. Mike and I both read the letters that we had written to Victoria and then tucked them into her casket next to her. We carried her out to the hearse and then followed it to the grave side for the committal service. We chose not to watch her put into the ground and buried. We did walk to her spot to show our families where she would be buried. It had been dug out and a large board placed over the hole. Mike and I both felt a sense of closure. I understand why we do funerals. It helped me through the initial process of grief.

It is six weeks later and I am still grieving her. I will never “get over it”. I will grieve her always. I grieve for all that will never be: The stroller walks, dropping her off at kindergarten, proudly watching her in holiday plays, teaching her to read, singing “Happy Birthday” to her, watching her grow up. I didn’t want just any baby. I wanted her. I wanted Victoria.

My faith has also been shattered. I don’t know what went wrong. I don’t know why she didn’t receive her healing, her miracle. Maybe I missed something. Maybe I had too much unbelief. Maybe it has nothing to do with any of that. It will take time to rebuild my faith and trust. I don’t blame God for this. I don’t believe it was his will for my daughter to be sick, or that she die. I don’t understand everything, but I know that she is in heaven and I will see her again.